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The Pferdscheizermeister
Sure, when you are in my position you get approached by every charlatan and poser that ever crawled from under a rock, so you get wary of what to expect or who to write puffs about. However when a friend tells you about someone who has spent time overseas at the stables of Isabel Van Smitdberg you say to yourself ‘Crikey, they must be the real Macoy, I better check it out pronto'.
That is why I found myself the next morning, standing in the rain by the outside arena watching the great man, Otto von Virden conduct his first Australian clinic. ‘You are tzo lucky to get me’ he was saying to his pupil as I approached, ‘It is not everyday someone tzo important comes to your country”. As so often is the case with celebrities, he was smaller in person than I had expected. In fact he was only about 4’6 tall. He looked over his shoulder, jumped off his box and ambled towards me. Looking up at my camera he said. “You are from ze ‘Pferd unt Bereiter’ yes?" Then he added "You had better lie on zee ground when to make ze photographs of me. Do you vant to buy a horse?” He looked disappointed when I declined but continued. “I am sure you know whom I am, so you can vatch but you must keep zilent”.
His first pupil was an old friend of mine, Azalea Dimple, who had been on the equestrian scene for many many years, without actually achieving anything. Von Virden, back on his box, re-started the lesson. “Und now veerry important is ze back. It must be supple unt straight. Uzerwise ve can not get ze collection, also za hants, they must be veery light unt ready for any loss of balance. Now you pick up from ze first movement.
© Blackfern 2005 n.s. |
He looked on in horror. “Nein Nein nein’, he bellowed, “zat is not zee way”. Jumping up and down on his box, and flailing his arms in the air he mimed out how he wanted the movement done. “More like zat” he said, "deeper unt rounder to start ze movement, unt more spring. You vill never get ze impulsion with zat stupid ‘downunder’ method”. Azalea looked disheartened but bravely tried again. Obviously these continental methods were difficult to start with, but the results spoke for themselves. “Aah, zat is better” von Virden said with satisfaction, “If you continue so gut ve can soon start with ze chains”. At this point Azalea lost her concentration and dropped out of the movement. "Unzulänglich unt Arselocken" muttered Virden.
Unable to control himself further, von Virden sprang off his box and pushed Azalea aside. Grabbing both handles firmly with his stubby fingers, he picked up the barrow and charged out of the arena. As he disappeared from sight towards the manure pile I heard him say “You tsee, how about zat for impulsion unt such balance!”
I knew I was in the presence of a real Pferdscheizermeister.
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